OK, now I know we're in trouble

When I read that FIFA had fined the Croatian Football Federation £14,920 for racist slurs shouted at Emile Heskey, I thought, "That's an odd number." Then I saw that it equated CHF 30,000. That means the Swiss franc is worth about half a pound. So is the U.S. dollar.

Oh sh*t.

The Swiss franc? Really, the dollar is worth just slightly more than the Swiss franc?

I haven't heard anyone else mention it, so please alert me to much better arguments than the one I'm about to make, but the declining value of the dollar might do more to hurt the progress of MLS than any other factor.

Next year, MLS will start its most aggressive expansion plan with the birth of Sounders FC in Seattle and a team in Philadelphia the following season. Several other cities have lined up to join the league. This means MLS will need many more quality players quickly to avoid a sharp dilution in talent, the very thing that killed the NASL. Unless the American pipeline is backed up with talent ready to shine, this means MLS will need to go abroad to find its players.

Currently European players would lose a lot of purchasing power by moving to the U.S. According to the Economist, the pound is overvalued against the dollar by more than 18 percent, while the Euro is overvalued by more than 55. Unless the players MLS brings in will be receiving raises to compensate (or extra marketing deals), the European players have no reason to come.

With that thought in mind, I suggest MLS target players from countries where the dollar is much stronger. Here are my suggestions based on the relative value of the dollar and my wholly uneducated guess as to the level of talent:

Uruguay
Japan
Australia
Egypt
Chile

I'm pretty sure MLS scouts cover South America to a ridiculous degree, but maybe they might want to focus more on the two nations mentioned above. I know about the J-League and A-League but not much. I also know Egypt just won the African Cup of Nations, so they must have some talent. All of this is just a shot in the dark, and in a year from now the countries on that list will undoubtedly change, but the economic knowledge is another tool MLS scouts could use to bolster their arguments when convincing certain foreign players to come here.

A new MLS schedule?

On BBC's World Football Phone-In, Sean Wheelock reported MLS is considering moving its schedule to an Apertura/Clausura format in order to better cooperate with players' national team duties. Under the proposed structure, the Apertura would run from August to November and the Clausura would run from February to May.

Many will be happy to see MLS cooperating more with FIFA, but this structure is not the answer. American fans are used to a single-season format. How will they know which season is more important? If they're equally important, do they suddenly matter less because players have more opportunities to win a title? What about the MLS Cup? If anyone knows whether Wheelock commented on these questions please let me know. Until then (and maybe after depending on the answers I receive) I cannot believe this change will appeal to Americans.

If MLS does approve this format, I think the Clausura would attract a lot of attention but the Apertura would be running against baseball pennant races plus college and pro football. I don't believe MLS should be running away from competition but I don't agree with the idea of holding an entire season during the time MLS is least likely to gain new fans.

The day after Major League Baseball's All-Star Game (usually in the middle of July) is the deadest day of the sports year. Every other major sport is in its offseason. MLS needs to capitalize on this opportunity by showcasing its talent across the country. I believe MLS should either begin or end its season on this date. The former option would result in a December-July schedule, the latter a July-January schedule (given the current 8-month format). I believe the former option would make FIFA happier, leaving the end of July and all of August open for international competition.

The most glaring critique of this idea is the weather gets hotter as the season progresses, leaving the players potentially drained by the end and showing the fans a bad product at the worst possible time. I can't respond to that since I have no personal knowledge of the demands of an MLS season.

The second most crippling argument concerns the fans. Who will want to go to a game in Toronto or Chicago in February? My answer: the same people who would want to go to one if MLS went to an Apertura/Clausura format. It's simply not a perfect schedule with respect to the weather. MLS currently utilizes the schedule most agreeable with sitting outside for two hours so any change would face that criticism.

MLS has an opportunity to both make amends with the international soccer community and gain exposure at home. With its current expansion plans exposing the league to new cities, MLS will never have a better time to make a change of this magnitude. I hope its leaders will see the potential and take the risks necessary to expand soccer's profile in America.

Where will MLS go next?

MLS Fever (not to be confused with typhoid fever, which took my brother's life near Fort Kearney) has spread faster than the video that makes my taco pop. No fewer than nine cities are actively seeking the next expansion bid. Time to handicap the field.

Ottawa: 20/1 The new kids in the Race to Expansion™, Ottawa's biggest draw is its obvious rivalry with Toronto. The proposed 30,000 seat stadium sounds great, but does anyone in Ottawa want soccer besides Eugene Melnyk? I don't see the local hype...yet.

Vancouver: 6/1 Steve Nash isn't a definite yet, but Vancouver might not even need him. The Whitecaps have great support and the city has successfully hosted the U-20 World Cup with an eye on the 2011 Women's World Cup. Vancouver is obviously a great soccer town and would welcome MLS.

Montreal: 8/1 The city already has a soccer-specific stadium with plans to expand. Its USL-1 team, the Impact, not only defeated Toronto FC for a spot in CONCACAF Champions League qualifying but have advanced to the group stages.

Portland: 12/1 A natural rivalry with Seattle and a successful USL-1 team make Portland an easy pick. However, Portland does not appear likely to build a soccer-only stadium, but instead renovate its current baseball field. I guess that could work, but if I were the commish I wouldn't give them the next club until it was done. See you in 2012.

Las Vegas: 100/1 I couldn't find any recent articles or blog posts with specifics on Las Vegas' bid, so unless the Maloof Brothers start partying with CR7, Sin City will have to keep waiting for a major sports franchise.

St. Louis: 4/1 With a website full of testimonials, St. Louis is pretty effing serious about getting an MLS franchise. The STL-KC rivalry would have an extra facet, which I personally enjoy (Ed. note: I went to Mizzou. Go Tigers!). The criticism of the size of the market seems to be moot since MLS is more concerned with the enthusiasm for soccer ahead of overall market size.

New York: 15/1 But then there's a market like NYC. I've written previously about the idea of bringing a second club to the area, and I have no doubt the team would be successful. I fully expect to see MLS place another team here, but maybe as the 20th franchise.

Miami: 30/1 I would have placed them at 100/1 if Barcelona weren't interested in buying the USL-1 team there and and converting it into a sister club. Even with the power and prestige behind this option, MLS is more likely to remember the epic failure of the Fusion. Add the previous failure to the overall poor quality of the Miami sports market and the fact they don't currently plan on having their own stadium, and Barca will need more than cash and their name to succeed. They'll need...Carlos Valderrama.

The perfect chip when you need to get hammered

Valderrama is the all-time MLS assist leader and a member of the MLS All-Time Best XI. And I heard he has a unique look. Have you heard about that?

Atlanta: Eleventy billion/1

So get ready, Vancouver and St. Louis. You'll most likely be the welcome break from every other team's grueling schedule.

(h/t: Du Nord, flickr user worldwidewandering, The Original Winger)

He bumped up their Q rating to 4

Rancid's drummer, Branden Steineckert, is a big Real Salt Lake fan. Yes, that Rancid.



Don't think the fans would enjoy the mohawks, though. They'd get in the way of the sight lines! Ha, you thought I was going to make a crack on SLC. Anyway, here are some equally incongruous matches I'd love to see:

Bow Wow for Columbus Crew
Dave Chappelle for DC United
Renee Zellweger for Houston Dynamo
Burt Bacharach for Kansas City Wizards

It's about time MLS got some celebrity fans besides at Galaxy games, so props to you, Mr. Steineckert. Got an idea for a celebrity fan you'd love to see? Leave it in the comments.

Red Bull's perennial little brother

David Howard of the New York Mets has stated his plans to purchase an MLS club. (Aside: This makes the Villannette very excited: she's originally from Queens.) With their new all-sports channel and likely NYC location (read: not Jersey), the team will have a great chance to build a huge lead and choke it away in the final month of the season. But hey, they'll be in New York, so they'll be valuable, even if they're not any good.

All snark aside, this would be a great opportunity for MLS. New York can certainly support two teams. In fact, since the team (whenever it happens) will be in NYC proper it will become an instant attraction for foreign stars not quite ready for the bright lights, intense media scrutiny and fast pace of Salt Lake City. Dang, there goes the snark again. I love you SLC!