No, wait, it's back on!

Keegan gets tired of Mike Ashley's bullsh*t, walks out under his own power. Well done, Kevin. On the bright side, maybe this guy will get his shot after all.

Never doubt my sources

Before caving in to the unwashed masses, Slammin' Mike Ashley had criteria in place to help him select the next manager at Newcastle. Federation Soccer has blackmailed two flight attendants, bribed a janitor and browbeat a lion tamer in order to get this top-secret document. Without further ado:

1. Not a fantastic former player that will inspire the fanbase.
Out: Alan Shearer

2. Not an international manager with a track record of success.
Out: Roberto Donadoni
3. A 'man of the people' to show billionaire Slammin' Mike's common touch.
In: This Guy
He could have been a legend.

BREAKING NEWS: Kevin Keegan NOT out at Newcastle

Sky Sports is reporting that Kevin Keegan has been sacked by Newcastle. More details to come.

UPDATE: Newcastle owners deny Keegan has been sacked. WTF?