Indecent Proposal

A Nigerian consortium wants to become the first African owners in the Premier League by purchasing Newcastle. Chris Nathaniel, CEO of the company handling the deal, says "the consortium of Nigerian entrepreneurs has so far contributed £350million to buy the club." Nathaniel then emailed* Newcastle owner Mike Ashley to make official his intentions:

From: Chris Nathaniel [cnathaniel@go.com]
To: cnathaniel@go.com

Dear Sir,

I wish to inform you of a business venture that I believe will be Fortune for the both of us. I am a wealthy businessman who has raised a Significant amount of money for a Premier League football club but now I am looking for a responsible beneficiary for these funds. We have heard from a reliable source that you are the kind of person we seek.

You will need to do no work. All we ask is a viable bank account so we can transfer the money. Then when the deal is complete we will contact you again.

Without your help we will never be able to realize our Dream of owning a Premier League football team. Your kindness will be remembered for generations. I understand this request is unusual but all Great deeds are.

Yours in trust,
Mr Chris Nathaniel

*This is satire. I wish the Nigerian consortium all the best in their attempts to make history.

DIC Doesn't Want In

DIC has pulled out of talks with Liverpool FC and wants no part of Newcastle, so sayeth the Guardian. They've also reported how badly Ashley wants DIC to take over because he knows Newcastle fans would love to see that DIC cheese blown on the planet's best players.

The good news? Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, who supposedly owns DIC but has no control over it, is considering putting up his own money to buy Liverpool. It's only fair that he go for them and not Newcastle: Liverpool's fans have been protesting much longer.

DIC = Dubai Investment Consortium

Pervert.

We'll miss you, Slammin' Mike

Slammin' Mike Ashley has put Newcastle up for sale. It only makes sense: it's hard to run a team into the ground by undermining its most popular manager and selling its best young talent while buying champagne for people you don't know.

Ashley predictably used the excuse that he couldn't keep pace with his fellow billionaire owners. If he didn't realize the debt he would be assuming when he bought the club, it's amazing he's amassed the wealth he has. If he didn't comprehend the realities of today's Premier League, he's just blind. I don't know which is worse as an owner.

On the bright side, Ashley has scientifically proven that protests by English fans are only audible (or capable of recognition) by English ears. From his statement, "You don't need to demonstrate against me again because I have got the message." We Americans must not be tuned to the proper frequencies.

Opening Whistle 9-12-08

The editor of BBC Sport chimes in on foreign ownership in the Premier League. [Mihir Rose via Global Futbol]

Abu Dhabi United Group address Man City fans. Hilarity ensues. [Deuce of Davenport]

Protests! Yay! [EPL Talk]

Schelotto probably won't play for the Crew on Saturday, but at least we didn't hear it from his mom. [Covering the Crew]

What the hell is Schalke's mascot? [The Best Eleven]

No, wait, it's back on!

Keegan gets tired of Mike Ashley's bullsh*t, walks out under his own power. Well done, Kevin. On the bright side, maybe this guy will get his shot after all.

Never doubt my sources

Before caving in to the unwashed masses, Slammin' Mike Ashley had criteria in place to help him select the next manager at Newcastle. Federation Soccer has blackmailed two flight attendants, bribed a janitor and browbeat a lion tamer in order to get this top-secret document. Without further ado:

1. Not a fantastic former player that will inspire the fanbase.
Out: Alan Shearer

2. Not an international manager with a track record of success.
Out: Roberto Donadoni
3. A 'man of the people' to show billionaire Slammin' Mike's common touch.
In: This Guy
He could have been a legend.

BREAKING NEWS: Kevin Keegan NOT out at Newcastle

Sky Sports is reporting that Kevin Keegan has been sacked by Newcastle. More details to come.

UPDATE: Newcastle owners deny Keegan has been sacked. WTF?